Five Redneck Things You Should Never Do In Tampa
Rednecks, as socially offensive as they can be, can also be quite a hoot (hoot means exuberant fun)! Shoot, they can even make mud puddles fun, just check out the Redneck Olympics. Now, up until the mid-80s, the outskirts of Tampa was country and home to a plethora of rednecks doing all sorts of redneck things. But there are a few traditionally redneck things that Floridians don’t do and neither should you while visiting the great city of Tampa.
Rednecks like big juiced up trucks, but one should never drive one of these behemoths in Tampa, especially with the XL tires. It rains a ton here and, when the sun does come out, it draws the oil out of the asphalt. This makes the roads so slippery that hydroplaning is a consistent problem. Those gigantic trucks have a very high point of balance and tend to roll. The funny thing is how these trucks are meant to drive through anything. In Georgia, yes; Tampa, no.
The second thing one should refrain from is living in a mobile home. Why you ask? Well, hurricane season brings severe weather… about every day in the summer. Severe storms throw tornadoes and tornadoes really do like to eat mobile homes. About once a week, the news will cover a story showing survivors of tornadoes picking what’s left of their belongings from the trash pile that used to be their trailer. It’s sad, but true. If you move to Florida, don’t drive your house here; buy one.
Rednecks also tend to swim in ponds or lakes, but in Tampa, don’t! The number three redneck thing to never do in Tampa is to never swim in a pond, ever. This is not a joke. Our warm water ponds and lakes house amoebas that will enter your body via nose, ears, etc. and eat holes into your brain and kill you. It is absolutely fatal. Never swim in a warm water lake or pond in Florida and especially do not drink from them. It’s better to sweat your backside off than take a dip here. Rivers, large lakes, and beaches do the job nicely though.
Rednecks also enjoy a day spent at the beach drinking, but shouldn’t do so in Florida. Alcohol dehydrates and the sun does, too. What little bit of hydration that’s left in your body will be sucked up by the heat and humidity. We have an illness here called “sun sickness” which is basically severe dehydration coupled with a sever sunburn. I have literally seen someone turn purple from the combo. Drinking during these conditions isn’t just foolish, but downright dangerous. If you must throw a few back, do it in the evening after you’ve had plenty of water.
Rednecks also like to okie noodle. I’ve heard it’s great fun and adventurous, but okie noodling should NEVER be done in Tampa, or Florida at all for that matter. The main reason is that you never know what is under a bank… gator, water moccasin, gator, eel, gator. Did I mention gator? In Tampa, if you are wading around in a river and you put your arm under the water to reach up under the bank, odds are what’s waiting is not a huge catfish. Odds are you won’t be hooking a fish with your bare hands, but getting rolled by a gator. Odds are okie noodling will be your last redneck activity in Tampa, or anywhere for that matter.
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